Are you nervous about the holidays this year?
Spending time with your in-laws may leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
Perhaps you got into a huge disagreement about politics earlier this year and things have been tense ever since. Or maybe you get the impression that your in-laws just don’t like you, and haven’t really accepted you into the family.
In an interview with CNN, Dr. Gottman explains that, “every marriage is a cross-cultural experience regardless of whether people are from different or the same cultures. They come from different families and the family they create is a brand new culture that has never existed before.” The holidays can bring mixed feelings and expectations about this new family culture, especially when it comes to in-laws.
The following suggestions will empower you to handle uncomfortable situations with confidence.
Your partner comes first
Surviving the “holiday hustle” requires open communication between you and your partner. Use a softened startup when sharing the things you are anxious about to have more constructive conversations that will bring you closer.
Look for sliding door moments where you can really share what you’re thinking and feeling with your partner. These seemingly small moments are actually huge opportunities that can make or break your connection throughout this stressful season.
Let your partner know the non-negotiable boundaries you may have about the things you are uncomfortable talking about or doing at family gatherings. Make sure you are both on the same page and ready to support one another.
Remember, this is your partner’s family and they may have a different perspective of them than you. It’s normal for couples to have to adjust to each other’s feelings about their parents. If you can maintain respect and open communication throughout this process, you’ll both win.
Check your expectations
Sometimes the holidays bring out the worst in people.
This time of year can create high levels of stress with lots of meal prepping, alcohol consumption, gift buying (for people you may not even know very well), and awkward conversations.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to notice your in-laws are different from your own parents. Recognize that you are engaging with people who have their own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors completely separate from you.
Acknowledge that your partner’s family traditions are often just that: generational traditions that began years before you. If you bring a mindset of curiosity to your family gatherings this year, you may learn things about your partner and their family (and yourself!) that you never knew before.
Nobody is perfect, so don’t pressure yourself to be, and don’t expect to receive that from your family. Knowing this can help you not take things so personally.
Don’t try to make everyone happy
People-pleasing your way through the holidays will lead to you feeling drained, anxious, and resentful. It is understandable to want to walk into holiday get-togethers on your best behavior, but you don’t need to filter your actions to the point of putting everyone else’s needs and wants before your own.
When it comes to in-laws, it is vital that you focus on being yourself. Allowing your partner’s family to get to know you the way your partner does is the first part to developing authentic relationships with them.
So, don’t say “yes” when you mean no.
Pick your battles
The holidays really don’t need to be about confronting family issues. You don’t have to get into it over pie and champagne. If you foresee family drama occurring over the holidays at any of your get-togethers, sit down with your partner beforehand and create a game plan together.
Come up with the exact things you will say to shut down any confrontation or fighting with other family members, especially in-laws. It’s simply not appropriate. You are allowed to set boundaries!
Here’s some great starters:
“I have decided not to discuss that today. If you’d like to call me sometime next week to talk about that, I’ll be available then.”
“This is not something I’m comfortable discussing right now.”
